I Meant To Do My Work Today...but

 This morning I planned to write something as soon as I could but instead I did this:

1. washed my face,
2. folded laundry
3. put away dishes
4. made coffee
5. looked at youtube videos,
6. hooked up a bluetooth speaker
7. changed my clothes 4 times
8. heard a noise...went outside
9. changed my socks
10. watched a QiGong video for 2 minutes
11. watched Jake and Nicole Going Off The Grid
12. watched Jake Maces Tai Chi video for 1 minute
13. Did not do my back exercises
14. forced myself to sit down at computer..THEN
15. Googled distances between:
1. Santiago de Cuba and Havana
2. Havana to New Orleans
16. Looked for things on Google
1. Guayabera shirts
2. footwear from Cuba 1920's
3. sandals

I wrote something in 4 different existing chapters

My wife came downstairs and we looked on Google for:

1. Water Buffalo sandals
2. Lace up sandals
3. an interesting house in Dennysville Maine
1. The Hansom House

now I wrote here

The Curse of Insecurity

 There is no way to measure the damages of insecurity. It is much easier for psychiatrists to describe the causes, if not the root cause, of this afflction, which probably affects everyone.  Some mask this by acts of bravado or machoism others by retreating into various phobias to avoid any comment or challenge.

In my youth, I waited for any comment from my father, good or bad, it was the attention I craved.  The bad ones were far more frequent, painful, and long-lasting:

"You couldn't be father to a cat",

As a boy of 11 and up to age 15 I raged against him and the world through vandalism, theft, breaking and entering homes and businesses and finally to grand theft auto which led to my final arrest.  My unknown goal was to make him show up at any event in which I was a participant.  He had missed every football game, baseball game, swimming event, school event and social occasions like birthdays.  However, I knew he would have to come to the police station or courth to bail me ut and take me home.  He even missed these in the early years and left me there as punishment.

On my 16th birthday, when he visited me on a youth detention work farm, "You are the reason your mother and I are getting divorced".  It was not, apparently, his 16 years of alcoholism and abuse.

At the beginning of the Vietnam war, in 1967, when I asked him for $130  for one semester of college; "Join the army, see the world, you are not college material"

I survived these and succeeded in life, college, and business, surpassing his expectations and easily exceeding his own accomplishments.  However, I was always and am now at 72 years ols, scarred and damaged by feelings of insecurity.

When I married into a wonderful, loving, caring family by marrying their daughter, an amazing, beautiful blonde beauty of my dreams, I felt that every day was a gift and that my time with them would be short.  I was waiting for them to "find me out" and ask me to leave.  In marriage to Nelle I felt the same way and protected myself by never fully opening up to her, traveling to avoid conflct or discovery, and always keeping one foot out the door.

That was almost 50 years ago.  Her parents, who I loved more than my own, are dead.  Nelle is still with me and apparently loves me enough to endure this and even more, to have helped me succeed beyond my own beliefs and insecurities.

Without Nelle I may have fallen into the pit of insecurity, misery, and self-loathing that comes with letting insecurity win as you come to believe all the bad things that people said or thought about you.

The Organist

1874 Vintage E. & G.G. Hook pipe organ

The lights were off in the church

She took her seat by feel

58 pipes at rest each day

cold but ready steel.

The Hook was set in 1874

17 stops and 15 ranks

27 notes on the pedals

Eyes upward, she gave thanks.

The choir loft was empty

the silver bells waiting, still

The nave was empty this morning

By ten the church would fill.

She knew she shouldn’t love a “thing”

Despite the quiet beauty

But love in many forms and ways

can be felt when the choir sings.

This day was hers and the organ knew

That her days were near the end

It wrapped her in a warm embrace

and she pulled out all the stops…

Friends Under The Flag

 One man hurt his shoulder

a neighbor brought him a beer

Six feet apart

Nothing to fear.

Eight more joined the party

Five couples six feet away

We talked until hoarse

Cabin fever at bay.

We will remember that night

When survivors could brag

about how they had made it as

Friends Under The Flag.

___

Tom Crowley

Gulfport, Mississippi

April, 2020

The story

On Good Friday evening, Jack went over to visit with Mike, who recently had shoulder surgery. Jack carried his own beach chair, a bottle of wine and a glass. His dog, “Brees”, followed behind on her leash. Jack sat down on the sidewalk under a huge Magnolia tree, about 12 feet away from Mike, who sat on his porch in a rocker, shadowed by his American Flag. They toasted each other from a distance and visited for awhile.

Jack’s wife, Lynn, arrived, with glass and chair, sans bottle, and joined Jack on the sidewalk. Mike’s wife, Kim, soon appeared on the porch, waved to all and sat in a chair on the lawn near the porch. Then the new almost-neighbors, Eric and Michele, showed up with two chairs and a cooler. They had just settled on a contract to build across the street from Mike and Kim, next to Jack and Lynn, and ddirectly across the street from us. That made six friends, each couple 6-10 feet apart. My wife and I had just finished work on the house and opened a bottle of good red wine (for her) and a nice boxed wine for me when we heard laughing and joking outside. We went out to join the fun with our own chairs and wine and saw our other side neighbors, Lowry & Cyndy, on their porch. “Hey, lets go join the party at Mike and Kim’s!”. Four more to six made ten – the limit for a gathering under Gulfport Rules.

Soon, relieved that our “Shelter in Place/House Arrest” self imposed sentence had ended temporarily and safely, we all started talking at once, five cross-conversations, happily sharing good stories and limiting the sad ones. It was clear this was a much-needed break. Until I ran out of wine...I looked around in a mild panic, my wife saw this drunl-in-the-headlights look and said “Relax, we’ll go home soon. Mike, with empty glass radar spoke up:

“Tom! Put your glas down in the center of the yard and step back SIX feet.”

Holding his left arm in a sling and his right hand clutching a bottle of red wine, Mike,after waiting for me to clear the area, approached the glass...He poured, he backed away, I rushed the glass and returned to my safe distance.

“Cheers!” We all toasted something. A few hours later, we all went home to reflect on the short evening’s rendezvous. COVID-19 be damned. Nothing can keep good neighbors apart. In tryng times our instinct is to come together, not separate and stay at home...We love and support each other and always will. God, Flag, Country, Neighbors…. Deal with it!

Tom Crowley, Neighbor, Gulfport Mississippi – April 10, 2020.

Tree Hugger

One of the sad things about the COVID pandemic is that it sometimes brings out the worst in people.
Living in Maine and wintering in Mississippi put us in a category of "those from away" causing a local Mainer to warn EVERYONE to stay home...meaning stay where you are as long as its not Maine.  When "self-isolation" becomes "isolationism" people become wary, suspicious, distrustful and, ultimately, alone.

I wrote "Tree Hugger" as a response to this sort of attitude.

"Tree Hugger"

 There was an old woman who lived in a tree

She didn’t want neighbors and said “please let me be!”

She pulled up her ladder each day after three

So no one could reach her or climb up her tree.

The storms that season were worse than most

She could not see the ground and barely the coast.

Her ladder was down but soon blew away

She was alone at last day after day.

Happy at first but then came long nights

with long dark times and nary a light

Her food ran out and her water too

but she was way up a tree

and alone as could be.

One day, years later, someone saw with a start

A broken down treehouse falling apart

They found an old ladder and climbed up and found

a body that could not be seen from the ground.

The note in her hand was simple and short

“Forgive me my pride” 

her eulogy and retort.

from Gulfport, Mississippi,  April, 2020

returning home to Maine soon.

The Wishing Rock

He would go each day to

The Wishing Rock

and cast his dreams to the sea

He would dream of things

that might have been

and the ones that would never be.

The fish would rise

to steal his dreams

snatching them out of the air

And he would drink his coffee hot

to burn away despair.

His life was good,

his family fine

No one could see his quest

Yet, he would go, each day

to the Wishing Rock

to make his mute behest.

Some days he’d fish

some days just stare

and he’d wait for the tide to turn

Hoping his answer would come

down the river

and the waters would quench the burn.

He was looking for signs

in the clouds, on the shore,

driftwood for tea leaves, his muse

But he knew in his heart

That there was no one to blame

and his reflection the one to accuse.

He had planned out his life

to avoid mistakes

so history would not repeat

Now he realized, too late,

That this timid direction

had formed more than clay on his feet.

Afraid to try, content with dreams,

He would sit on this rock and just wish

neglecting his life, abusing prayer,

and wasting his dreams on the fish.

FTC – sometime in late fall, 2018

UPDATED - February, 2020 

I have had every dream or wish fulfilled in my life and could not be happier.  I could be lighter, stronger, drink less, eat better, but I still have a beautiful, wonderful caring wife, two great kids, married to good people who gave us SIX grandchildren to play with;  Leo, Sammy, Peter, and Catherine from Biz and Andy and Lochlan and Aria from Tommy and Melody.

Stop all On Line Shopping! - Buy Local!

I admit that shopping on-line will continue to grow, dwarfing all local businesses and making click-buying easier and many times cheaper than your local store.  However, every one should reflect on how many times that on-line buying or service requests FAIL.
For example - Ebay -  Despite my specifically requesting a shipment to my second/winter home on the Gulf Coast, they automatically sent TWO separate shipments to my home address in Maine!
No one will be there until May 1, 2020, the house is closed up, the driveway is unplowed, the power is off AND UPS deliveries drop things off without checking to see if anyone is home.  WE do not even get mail at the house, it goes to a PO Box and is forwarded to us.

Another example  I bought a watch on-line from TIMEX, again I told them to ship it to Mississippi - they are shipping it to Maine and can not re-route it,

Another one - I ordered a KOHLER shower pan on line - I received a broken, damaged shower pan from a cardboard box with huge dirty footprints on it, AND the item weighed 25 pounds NOT the 53 pounds stated all over the order I placed,

Therefore, I am getting in my car and going shopping here, locally, I may have to go to Home Depot, Lowes, or Walmart but I will TRY to find a smaller local business where I can look people in the eye and say "Good Morning" and get a verbal, human response, even if they don't have what I am looking for!