PROVENANCE

PROVENANCE 

New title for book "M & TCP"

Diary of an Alcoholic

Three weeks ago I was drinking everywhere, hiding wine and vodka to sneak drinks while pretending to have only two....It got bad fast when I was stumbling around the house.

I attended an AA meeting at St Thomas Episopal on Sunday 7/25 - 3 people there; James, Charles, and Jamie -read the Big Book out loud.  Monday   7/26 went again ----- 40 people!!   great meeting.

Tuesday was Tommys Birthday - Today is Wednesday, 7/28 I will go again...

7/25  - no drinks

7/26 - craving at 2 pm - no drinking

7/27 - craving at 7:26 pm - held on - no drinks!

It has now been ONE WEEK since joining AA and starting my sober journey:

• I had two slips - I drank a little Vodka on day.  a few days later on 7/30 I added some wine to my non-alcoholic mushy drink
• I am sorry about those slips and will fight myself to ensure they do not repeat

I am feeling both tired and yet energized by the changes in me.

I have lost 8 pounds by cutting way back on alcohol, sugar, and carbohydrates.

Today is Sunday, August 1st. -

Now it is Wednesday 8/4/21 - Horrible day - many signals and chances to drink. Vodka too close, Red Wine in Bota Box.  working on the boat made me think about it...

Called Jack - no answer.  Went to meeting at 6:30 pm St Thomas Episcopal  - worked

Between 8/4 and 8/8

Not feeling it....I do not believe I am an alcoholic anymore.  Kind of dangerous in some ways:

1. I still want to drink but only at night with Nelle,
2. At times, during the day - I "want" to get alcohol but its not a "need"
3. If I have more than 1 drink, I want 2 maybe 3 but not more,
4. I really want to stop drinking all together -- completely
5. I want to get through the 5 - 8 pm hours

Yesterday, Sunday, 8/8/21

I went to church at 7:30 am - full mask up required - Delta Variant of COVID scary

Good sermon -  something about Elijah written by John

• He gave upand asked God to let him die,
• God said "no way" get up and eat something
• Elijah is depressed, paranoid and suicidal until God steps in
• The chapter of JOHN is interesting

My brain will get better if I stop drinking BUT

How good can it get?  I am 73 fucking years OLD!!

Stopping is getting easier BUT

I was at the beach and went home for something ---

1. I first drained the last of the red wine,
2. then I drank the last of the gin,
3. then I took a swig of white wine

__________Why did I do this?

Its now Monday morning 8/9/21 - new day 

go to 7 am meeting,

take Sammy to Portland -  check out PYS ??  Justina?  

Read your books

enjoy your grandson LEO

do not drink today!

Tuesday 8/10/21

I may be the only person kicked out of an AA meeting!

I went in as usual and listened until it was time for "sharing" where alcoholics tell horrible stories about how alcohol fucked up their lives before they joined AA.  After the meeting, Lester came up to me and said; "Tom, you said it has been 15 days sober. Yet last week you told me you had a drink as a "controlled drinking" test.... Therefore, THAT should have been your new start date.  So, which is it? Are you an alcoholic or not?"
"I don't think I am."

"Then, get the hell out of here."

I left to think about it and I realized that I am NOT an alcoholic.

That night, I went to Ricks Take Out and bought a bottle of red wine and Joey gave me a 16 ounce beer (TESSALATION IPA)  to go with it.  I took it home and Nelle and I had a nice single glass of wine together.  Saving the beer to split tomorrow.  LOL - I guess I just wanted to tell horrible stories about Dad and meet new drunk friends!

Thank You & I'm Sorry

 It is never too late:

• To thank someone,
• To apologize,
• To hug a child, or
• To wear your seatbelt.

Time goes by so fast.  Before you know it someone you care about has passed away and you forgot to call or write them to thank them for the help or advice they gave you when you needed it.  You may have wronged someone by what you did or what you said;  Call them and say you are sorry.

Hugging a child - yours, your grandchildren, or any child who needs a hug is magical for both of you.

Drving along without a seatbelt? If you are still alive - put it on!

FTC 

Trout Slippers

 There is a bell that tolls for me

But the message is always out of reach.

I’ve heard it ring for many years.

It’s the Bell Buoy off of Lincolnville Beach.

Whenever I am far from Maine,

I wonder does it toll the same…

There is no other bell that rings so true.

Is there a bell that rings for you?

Like the tree falling in the wood,

The noise is made but it’s not as good,

As being there to hear it fall.

If I can’t be there, I don’t care at all.

For the magic is in the context there.

Much clearer in the cold, salt air.

It calls through the fog, just out of reach.

The Bell Buoy off of Lincolnville Beach.

I worked on the schooner of my childhood dream.

The ADVENTURE was mine, at least that it did seem.

Jim was the Captain and he taught me quite well

I learned how to sail through the fog to a bell.

His vision was “sharp” and his senses were keen.

I gave him full measure when I was still green

The lessons were hard, yet I begged him to teach

And I lowered the topmast in Eggemoggin Reach.

I sailed with my wife as the cook down below

As she patiently waited for the next wind to blow.

When I hoisted my anchor to find my own ship,

She was right there as First Mate in case I should slip.

We worked Maine in Summer, B.V.I. in the Fall,

And the winters were spent very far from the call

Of the one thing that beckoned but would never beseech;

The Bell Buoy off of Lincolnville Beach.

Now I’ve lived my life as I thought I should

I’ve sown some oats and I’ve burned some wood.

I married the girl of my unknown dreams

And it went too fast as I stifled the screams.

I’ve no regrets and I swear that’s true

I love my wife and my two kids, too.

I just wonder if I learned what the sea winds teach,

Taught by the Bell Buoy off Lincolnville Beach.

I come back now to sleep and rest,

Inhale salt fog and eat the best,

I’ve been gone so long I forgot it’s a test

Pursuing the game and the money quest.

I must bide my time each year and wait

Until the work is done and I can vacate

To spare a week or two..’tis fate.

I ease the hunger, but will my love abate?

I think it won’t until I get back here

But I’ve said this too. Year upon Year.

I’m old and I’m sore but the dream’s in reach

I think I hear the Bell Buoy off Lincolnville Beach.

Let me have my dream and my family, too

We’ll come back to Maine and find something to do.

I’ll sell Trout Slippers or Quohog Quiche,

If I can just hear the Bell Buoy off Lincolnville Beach.

Past 50* now, but I’m slow to learn

I’ve given up the cities and gone with the yearn.

I’m sailing home on a long, broad reach

And I’m dropping my anchor at Lincolnville Beach.

Tom Crowley

original 1994 – this one -2021

* - past 70 @ 2021

Scar Tissue

 What is it about my wife?  For 49 1/2 years I was a selfish asshole.  Now, when I have changed over night she doesn't properly celebrate my transformation!  Sure, it has only been 2 days and I have had a few slipups...but still.  It's like I am the same person I was to her - toilet seat up, drinking the last beer, not listening to something she said, ignoring her while I am writing really important stuff, etc.

I think she has some emotional scar tissue to deal with.  You know what I say?  What I always say:

SNAP OUT OF IT!

I am going to give this whole transformation thing another 24 hours...or maybe 12...

I Meant To Do My Work Today...but

 This morning I planned to write something as soon as I could but instead I did this:

1. washed my face,
2. folded laundry
3. put away dishes
4. made coffee
5. looked at youtube videos,
6. hooked up a bluetooth speaker
7. changed my clothes 4 times
8. heard a noise...went outside
9. changed my socks
10. watched a QiGong video for 2 minutes
11. watched Jake and Nicole Going Off The Grid
12. watched Jake Maces Tai Chi video for 1 minute
13. Did not do my back exercises
14. forced myself to sit down at computer..THEN
15. Googled distances between:
1. Santiago de Cuba and Havana
2. Havana to New Orleans
16. Looked for things on Google
1. Guayabera shirts
2. footwear from Cuba 1920's
3. sandals

I wrote something in 4 different existing chapters

My wife came downstairs and we looked on Google for:

1. Water Buffalo sandals
2. Lace up sandals
3. an interesting house in Dennysville Maine
1. The Hansom House

now I wrote here

The Curse of Insecurity

 There is no way to measure the damages of insecurity. It is much easier for psychiatrists to describe the causes, if not the root cause, of this afflction, which probably affects everyone.  Some mask this by acts of bravado or machoism others by retreating into various phobias to avoid any comment or challenge.

In my youth, I waited for any comment from my father, good or bad, it was the attention I craved.  The bad ones were far more frequent, painful, and long-lasting:

"You couldn't be father to a cat",

As a boy of 11 and up to age 15 I raged against him and the world through vandalism, theft, breaking and entering homes and businesses and finally to grand theft auto which led to my final arrest.  My unknown goal was to make him show up at any event in which I was a participant.  He had missed every football game, baseball game, swimming event, school event and social occasions like birthdays.  However, I knew he would have to come to the police station or courth to bail me ut and take me home.  He even missed these in the early years and left me there as punishment.

On my 16th birthday, when he visited me on a youth detention work farm, "You are the reason your mother and I are getting divorced".  It was not, apparently, his 16 years of alcoholism and abuse.

At the beginning of the Vietnam war, in 1967, when I asked him for $130  for one semester of college; "Join the army, see the world, you are not college material"

I survived these and succeeded in life, college, and business, surpassing his expectations and easily exceeding his own accomplishments.  However, I was always and am now at 72 years ols, scarred and damaged by feelings of insecurity.

When I married into a wonderful, loving, caring family by marrying their daughter, an amazing, beautiful blonde beauty of my dreams, I felt that every day was a gift and that my time with them would be short.  I was waiting for them to "find me out" and ask me to leave.  In marriage to Nelle I felt the same way and protected myself by never fully opening up to her, traveling to avoid conflct or discovery, and always keeping one foot out the door.

That was almost 50 years ago.  Her parents, who I loved more than my own, are dead.  Nelle is still with me and apparently loves me enough to endure this and even more, to have helped me succeed beyond my own beliefs and insecurities.

Without Nelle I may have fallen into the pit of insecurity, misery, and self-loathing that comes with letting insecurity win as you come to believe all the bad things that people said or thought about you.